On Meeting Myself

Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest... hour of your life.

-                                                                                                 ~ Pablo Neruda

Appointment Letter

“As directed by the Chairman, I have the great pleasure to appoint you to the post of ......”


The rest of the words were in darkness and I couldn’t see them as tears flooded the eyes and streamed down my cheeks. I felt as if these tears carried me down the memory lane and made me stand at a distant past where I could see a little girl fidgeting nervously at the school gate. Perhaps she was mustering up courage to enter the school and face her classmates who regularly bullied her. Yes, it was me who always lacked the courage to take the next step.
It is a well-accepted truth that school days in our life are the most cherished ones when we remain carefree of the present and at the same time focussed on the future. My friends always wanted to be a pilot, a doctor, a journalist... in other words, anything and everything that impressed their eager minds. I, on the other hand, didn’t have any ambition. Strange as it might sound but I never gave a thought about it. May be I was afraid to move up to the next level.
Straight after school, my father, like anybody else, became anxious to admit me to a good college. I had a desire of going to the finest college in the city, but kept it a secret for the sheer stupidity of the thought. I had collected forms from various colleges, including my favourite one. But before I could see my dream shatter, I enrolled myself at a nearby college. A month later, something happened which people usually define as a miracle. I saw my name printed on the admission list of my dream institution. It was a dream come true in the real sense of the term.

Nevertheless, when I finally got admission there, I was not aware of the predicament that was to befall me. The new life which unfolded itself was galvanic and at the same time enticing. I let myself be carried away with the tide. As I look back now, I see myself as a kind of reprobate. My mother told me of the necessity for an askesis in life but her words fell on deaf ears. I was not yet ready to accept the truth. If I sincerely wanted, I could have taken the advantage of studying in that charged atmosphere full of seminal ideas. Instead, on graduation day, I found myself standing alone, full of bitterness and realising that I would always be a black sheep there.

I started asking myself, “What next?” but knew very well that the next step would be difficult ­– almost impossible. I told myself that doing nothing would be the best possible answer as I had lost the courage to move ahead in life. It was indeed the worst phase that I was going through. But if I had known any better, I would not have said that because ‘worst’ was yet to arrive.

My mother cajoled me into pursuing Masters but I doubted whether I had the ability to do so. She told me that life was full of possibilities and we should always hope for the right opportunity to knock at our door. I finally made up my mind to move ahead because I needed to pull myself up from the relegated position I had thrust myself in.

Sometimes we propose to do something but destiny lays something else before us. There are people who rebel against the goddess of fate when they meet with obstacles and then there are those who have the virtue of quiet acceptance, of making the same obstacles an aid to learn from and make the necessary progress. I did not know till then that everything was going to change forever. Everything that I held as valuable or worthy would suddenly lose their significance. There were no clouds in the sky and I became habituated with this clear blue haven. But like a bolt from that blue, my father passed away and left behind a large void which made me succumb to despair. Nothing seemed to either enter or come out through me. I felt like I was standing at the end of a precipice and I slipped. As I was going to fall, a hand grabbed me and pulled me out. It was my mother. She too had suffered a loss but she never let that weaken her. She is a manifestation of courage to me and she showed me that we could always rise with faith. An intense faith helps us find our way through a dark tunnel and guides us to its end where we can witness an effulgent sunrise.
Even if I repeatedly failed at everything, seemed to lose at everything, these failures and losses not only expiated my mistakes but also implanted a seed in me... the seed of a dream.

Without being aware, I found a quiet strength in me to struggle and face hardships courageously. After a hiatus in my academic career, I began to study with vigour again, passed the examinations and started looking for a job. I sat for a competitive examination to acquire some primary experience. I didn’t find time to prepare for it thoroughly and hence couldn’t complete the paper. A few days before the results came out I had a strange dream. I was sitting in a classroom and the teacher was going to declare the result of some examination. He didn’t call out any names but hinted mysteriously that the one who succeeded was the one who had ‘symmetry’. I remembered the word clearly after I woke up but couldn’t make out any meaning of it. You must be wondering whether I have any ‘symmetry’ in me or not, but believe me, I am yet to know the answer myself. A few days later I was given the job.

Even when we falter in life, the grace of God never fails us. The grace is the greatest miracle that we witness every moment in our life though we sometimes fail to recognise it. The true spirit that one should acquire is that of a bamboo: to bend with the wind and never get broken. I finally understood that life does not go on in a straight line. It is actually a weft of various experiences that lead us to a realisation – of finding our true self.

Dearest readers, thank you all for bearing with me so patiently throughout my pensée. My story ends here but my aspiration for discovering myself at every step of my life will always go on.